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I am off work today. It's a vacation day/sick day/personal day thing.

I had an appointment at 8:00 this morning.

With the Dentist of Doom.

Last winter, he extracted three of my wisdom teeth, but I was still holding on to the fourth; clinging in desperation to that last little piece of dental proof of adulthood, that last fragment of a pubescent status symbol, the last remaining product of years of gum-tearing pain.

Last week, while chomping a Tootsie Pop, the unthinkable happened. That last, solitary wisdom tooth cracked. A piece fell out. And the jagged edge that remained cut my cheek and tongue to shreds.

Today was the first available appointment with my dentist. Who rocks. His tagline is "Specializing in 'Gentle Dentistry'". This means he caters to giant babies like myself. When he's finished with the numbing, not only does the patient not feel the extraction, but for six hours after, they will also not be able to feel their tongue, cheek, neck, chin, ear, or nostrils. And sometimes, if he gets overzealous, you won't be able to open your eye until the Novocaine wears off.

So I went this morning. And twenty minutes later, my wisdom was gone. All of it... replaced by a gaping gum hole, a temporary inability to partake in the consumption of solid foods and a momentary stroke victim-esque facial droop.

I was offered my choice of ibuprofen, tylenol with codeine, vicodin or percocet to bring home for the pain. And while I could make a killing on the narcotics given their current street value, I opted for ibuprofen... lots and lots of ibuprofen.

And now, I'm going to give myself a dose of AdvilPM and sleep until I can feel my right ear again.