Totally Blew It

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37 Replies - 2029 Views - Last Post: 12 June 2011 - 06:21 PM

#1 Christoph  Icon User is offline

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Totally Blew It

Posted 03 June 2011 - 04:40 PM

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I don't know why I remember this and I know I can't be the only one who's completely fucked up a chance to get laid so I figured I would share what is probably the most embarrassing moment I've had because I find it hilarious.

Went to this house party with a bunch of friends while I was living in Texas, ended up meeting this damn good looking blonde that was all over me and is obviously DTF.

Around midnight or so her and her friends decided we need to find a hot tub. GREAT! Lets do it, so I hope in her car with 3 other girls and we follow this other car to their house to hit the hot tub. But they decided fuck the hot tub lets go back to her apartment, girl sitting next to me said "Well what about this guy", the blonde responds "I'll take him home when I'm through with him". Awwwww jeah.

We get to her apartment and she goes to change and puts on these tiny little booty shorts, she might as well have just been walking around in her panties they were so small, we made out on the couch for bit and then all of a sudden I felt it...

I had to take the most explosive shit of my life. I had to run a scenario in my head, could I pull off having sex without shitting on her bed or going flaccid because I'm holding it back so fucking much. I had no choice, I had to find a bathroom.

I asked her where the bathroom was and she directed me to the bathroom in a room that was on the same level as the living room (DAMMIT) where everyone was hanging out. I figured ok, it's not so bad, I'm far away from these people no big deal.

BOY WAS I WRONG.

Thank god it didn't smell, but let me recall the scene from dumb and dumber for you.



THAT is exactly what happened in that bathroom, I wish I was joking. I even padded around myself with towels to hopefully muffle the sound.

So I gather myself after I'm finished and I'm hoping that she didn't have thin walls, walk into the living room to silence. Oh they heard that shit alright, she couldn't even look at me and it was just downright horrible. So I'm texting friends to get a ride home but NO ONE responds. FUCK! I had to stay the night at this girls place and it gets worse.

Wake up the next day and FINALLY get in touch with a friend that was at the party who happened to get his two front teeth kicked out (Yes, he got kicked in the mouth) at the party that night and just got out of the hospital but comes to pick me up. I have to ask her where the fuck I am to tell him how to get there. While I'm waiting on her couch she turns on the tv and you will not believe the fucking movie that came on. DUMB AND DUMBER! Just a few minutes before the ass explosion scene! So I had to sit there and WATCH what I just did in HER bathroom with HER. She turns to me and says, "That's so disgusting."

I just let it go, there wasn't any point in trying to save face. I'm just waiting for my friend to arrive.

Needless to say, I did not get laid.

Anyone else have any sexual horror stories?

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#2 WolfCoder  Icon User is offline

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Re: Totally Blew It

Posted 03 June 2011 - 05:33 PM

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#3 modi123_1  Icon User is offline

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Re: Totally Blew It

Posted 03 June 2011 - 05:41 PM

Epic story. Seriously - some days you just got to roll with it. Just think - you could have made a chocolate fountain if you proceeded with the hot tub plan.
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#4 Topher84  Icon User is offline

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Re: Totally Blew It

Posted 03 June 2011 - 06:14 PM

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OK... so I have a pretty funny story that goes with this one. So a friend went to a local club and went home w/ this girl. He had to take a huge dump and decided to go the opposite route you did and just had sex and held it back. Well... they pass out and he wakes up the next morning and notices he has taken a dump in his sleep all over the bed. He freaks out and wipes it all over the chicks buttcheeks and gets up and stealths out of the dorm. So I guess she woke up and thought she crapped all over him in the night and he peaced out. It's pretty damn funny.
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#5 Creecher  Icon User is offline

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Re: Totally Blew It

Posted 03 June 2011 - 08:04 PM

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She probably had a penis anyways.

woulda been hot
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#6 Curtis Rutland  Icon User is online

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Re: Totally Blew It

Posted 03 June 2011 - 08:26 PM

I've heard a similar story, except it was piss. Guy supposedly used some warm tap water to frame the girl.
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#7 supersloth  Icon User is offline

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Re: Totally Blew It

Posted 03 June 2011 - 08:45 PM

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so when i was a young man, all of age 18, and a virgin, we decided to throw a party. it was fall break or something, so everyone we went to high skool with was back in town. this included a girl who went to an ACC skool and was already a cheerleader out there. she came to the party.

now, at this point, was when it started to become weird, i guess, that i hadn't got laid yet and people started to throw weight into helping this happen for me. so, eventually, at some point she said something to someone there, and it rolled thru the party like a fucking shockwave 'she would sleep with josh she would sleep with josh!'

so they started pumping us full of drinks. pumping us full of way too many drinks. eventually we ended up in my room. with like, a million people standing outside the door and window. needless to say, this is not exactly the perfect time for me to whip my dick out.

now we're talking, because it's super super weird, and at some point she says something about being 'better' than other people. which, in my drunken state, rather than just ignore it and move on, i went on an incredible rant about how that is a bullshit way to look at life and yourself and blah blah blah shut the fuck up josh.

she left the room crying. everyone just shook their head.

i got laid later that year. it was way better than that would have been.
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#8 Ticon  Icon User is offline

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Re: Totally Blew It

Posted 03 June 2011 - 08:54 PM

Whats wrong with a chocolate fountain? ... nah im kiddin thats grose :bananaman:
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#9 calvinthedestroyer  Icon User is offline

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Re: Totally Blew It

Posted 04 June 2011 - 09:45 PM

YOUR not coming to my house...

View Postsupersloth, on 03 June 2011 - 09:45 PM, said:

so when i was a young man, all of age 18, and a virgin, we decided to throw a party. it was fall break or something, so everyone we went to high skool with was back in town. this included a girl who went to an ACC skool and was already a cheerleader out there. she came to the party.

now, at this point, was when it started to become weird, i guess, that i hadn't got laid yet and people started to throw weight into helping this happen for me. so, eventually, at some point she said something to someone there, and it rolled thru the party like a fucking shockwave 'she would sleep with josh she would sleep with josh!'

so they started pumping us full of drinks. pumping us full of way too many drinks. eventually we ended up in my room. with like, a million people standing outside the door and window. needless to say, this is not exactly the perfect time for me to whip my dick out.

now we're talking, because it's super super weird, and at some point she says something about being 'better' than other people. which, in my drunken state, rather than just ignore it and move on, i went on an incredible rant about how that is a bullshit way to look at life and yourself and blah blah blah shut the fuck up josh.

she left the room crying. everyone just shook their head.

i got laid later that year. it was way better than that would have been.

Who's Josh?
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#10 no2pencil  Icon User is offline

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Re: Totally Blew It

Posted 04 June 2011 - 09:47 PM

calvinthedestroyer why don't you tell your story about when you got drunk & mixed light w/ dark drinks? You were so set up to get laid & instead you spent the night emptying yourself into the sink!
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#11 GWatt  Icon User is offline

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Re: Totally Blew It

Posted 04 June 2011 - 11:06 PM

What's wrong with mixing light with dark? Cpt Morgan goes great with sprite.
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#12 Creecher  Icon User is offline

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Re: Totally Blew It

Posted 05 June 2011 - 06:04 AM

View PostGWatt, on 05 June 2011 - 01:06 AM, said:

What's wrong with mixing light with dark? Cpt Morgan goes great with sprite.

I think me means "Light" drinks as in vodka and what not....
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#13 GWatt  Icon User is offline

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Re: Totally Blew It

Posted 05 June 2011 - 06:21 AM

Possibly. All I know is that I've mentioned this combination before with the reaction of "Eww, you can't mix light and dark!"
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#14 Xupicor  Icon User is offline

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Re: Totally Blew It

Posted 05 June 2011 - 07:33 AM

Nah, what you shouldn't mix is cheap wine, vodka and soda/beer (as in, any beverage with or without alcohol, but full of CO2). Sure it's fun while you're drinking, but the real fun begins when it kicks in. Oh boy.

I have no story like that (phew), but I had a similar one. I was young and, well, not so smart. I was visiting a girl in her dorm, but we weren't allowed to go to her room (the dorm policy) so we talked in the empty canteen (it was weekend and almost all the people were out the dorm). So we're talking... Well you know how it is, we were "talking" so much, that she ended up siting on my lap like she was riding a horse. :P Let me reiterate, it was not really a private area, and we were young, stupid and horny. ;) And then, right before I was going to take off her bra I heard "What in the hell are you doing here?!". Yup, it was her - the principal. :P Her eyes made that electrical "buzz", she called my girl to her office "at once" and she got out.
You can imagine we weren't really in the mood anymore. ;) I figure we were lucky to be caught that soon. :P
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#15 l3v3r.l0ck  Icon User is offline

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Re: Totally Blew It

Posted 05 June 2011 - 08:04 AM

This is to funny! Sorry for your mishap but damn! lol Next time just hold it in and let some leak out as she is ridding... ;)
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