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#1 SplinteredChaos  Icon User is offline

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Adoption

Posted 26 February 2014 - 10:37 AM

My wife and I have been trying to have children for 10 years now, with only heart break and frustration to show for it. A few years back she was diagnosed with PCOS, and we were told that medicine would help. The medicine did not. They made things worse for her. The doctor ran out of options, at least that were in the realm of afforability vs. success rate.

We began looking at adoption. So many children out there simply need someone to love and care for them. Like many people we wanted to have the experience of raising a child from the beginning, or as close to it as we could. We searched for years. We considered a lot of options. We had all but given up hope on having a baby of our own.

Two weeks ago we were approached by an acquaintance. Him and his girlfriend are pretty far along, and they don't want to keep the baby. We've already been in contact with an adoption agency, he said. I want the baby to go to someone I know, and I know will love it as a parent should, he told us.

We met with them, wanting to get a gauge on their level of committment. They are very serious about this adoption. They were almost as excited for us as we are, which seems odd to me in the situation. This is for real. The prayers have finally been answered.

And then the costs started to come in, just the numbers at this point. Beyond what we can afford in a short period of time. He's due on May 1st. We seem to be forced in to the adoption agency that the parents have chosen. We're expected to come up with nearly $6000 right away. The birthing costs and home study charges have to be paid for before the study can be done and the rest of the process can proceed.

We've got plans in motion, but we need time. The adoption agency wants the almost $6000 before anything else is truly done (there are more fees to worry about after bith and all that). We just need to find a way to get us some time. Silent auction, dinner benefit, pawning/selling items, garage sale...we've got things to do, but the time required is killing us.

This is poorly written, and I am terribly sorry for dumping this at the feet of people I do not know terribly well. I'm asking that you look in to your hearts and help us, in any way possible. We have a donation site set up. There's a short video kind of chronicaling our journey to this point. ANY donation will help us. If you are unable to do so monetarily, please take the time to share the link on your social media site(s) of choice. Exposure to new people increases the chance we'll find a miracle.

Please help if you can.

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This post has been edited by macosxnerd101: 26 February 2014 - 10:42 AM
Reason for edit:: Removed link


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Replies To: Adoption

#2 macosxnerd101  Icon User is online

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Re: Adoption

Posted 26 February 2014 - 10:42 AM

While I wish you and your wife luck with the adoption, solicitations for money are against the forum rules. I've removed the link, but will leave the thread open as a discussion topic.
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#3 modi123_1  Icon User is offline

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Re: Adoption

Posted 26 February 2014 - 10:47 AM

That's a bummer of a situation.. are you sure this agency is on the up and up? I mean it seems like demanding six grand right now is a little.. odd.

Thinking about it - I am not sure if I would want to be acquaintances of the birth parents.. I mean that's a whole mess of awkward for, like, ever. For them occasionally seeing their offspring, and for you both with the whole "this is *MY* kid" parental/possessive bond.

Either way - good luck with you both!
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#4 DarenR  Icon User is online

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Re: Adoption

Posted 26 February 2014 - 11:11 AM

I dont understand why you would need 6k to adopt from a family you know-- sounds liek buying a kid to me. I know people who have adopted kids for far less.
I dont mean to be rude but this sounds fishy all the way around.
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#5 SplinteredChaos  Icon User is offline

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Re: Adoption

Posted 26 February 2014 - 11:12 AM

The relationship is with the father and it is quite limited. Our social circles merge once in a great while. We've only met the mother a handful of times. We are not terribly concerned with the messiness after the fact because of the rather causal nature of the relationship.

The stickiest part would the rights the mother has. She has 15 days after the birth (by state law) to change her mind. While she does not seem to be likely to change her mind, a lot can happen in the next two months.

Thank you for not closing the thread all together. I'm sorry for breaking the rules on the solicitation of money. I didn't see that particular rule and I've never made a post like this before. Were our backs not against the wall I wouldn't be so desperate to find help. Would it be ok to have people reach out to me in a private message if they want more information?

The adoption agency is well known (and reuputable) in our area. While it is just speculation, but my wife believes that they (the adoption agency) might have already had a family lined up but because the parents want us that it throwing a wrench in to the mix and they (adoption agency) aren't happy about it. The case worker was really short and gruff with my wife yesterday on the phone. We have a face to face meeting scheduled for Friday morning, so hopefully things will be a bit different or at least more enlightening at that point.
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#6 macosxnerd101  Icon User is online

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Re: Adoption

Posted 26 February 2014 - 11:14 AM

If people wish to reach out to you via PM, they can do so on their own terms. Let's not have this as a "I need your help, please PM me for more details" type thread though.
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#7 Apokio  Icon User is online

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Re: Adoption

Posted 26 February 2014 - 11:34 AM

My wife and I looked into this when we were considering the options for a third kid since she can't have anymore. We talked to a couple different places that handled adopting babies right after birth. Depending on the state there are a lot of laws protecting birth parents and these lawyers are really good at covering all the variables that can come into play. The rates varied between the places we talked to. Some of them even offered financing. The one part of this that really got to me was every place said the mother might need some money up front to cover costs like a place to live, cell phone, or to pay off some debt. They always said it wasn't required but it was something they took into consideration when choosing a family for the child. That made me feel like I was going to buy a baby. In my case my wife became a teacher so now she has 20+ new kids a year to fill that void.
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#8 no2pencil  Icon User is online

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Re: Adoption

Posted 26 February 2014 - 11:36 AM

Does indi-gogo approve something like this?
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#9 Craig328  Icon User is offline

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Re: Adoption

Posted 26 February 2014 - 11:40 AM

I've never adopted and haven't known someone during the time they went through the process. That said, I've always had the impression that adoption via agency was an expensive proposition so the costs mentioned by the OP didn't come as any kind of surprise.

What I wanted to contribute to the conversation was a concern about adopting a child from someone you know (even casually). To me, if I were adopting an infant and the birth parents were local and even worse, someone whom the child might come into contact with growing up, I'd have a concern there. What's to prevent the birth parents later on from disrupting the home you craft for your adoptive child? If they're around there is always the potential for them to feel entitled to offer comment or critiques of how you're raising the child. To me, that alone would be more than enough reason to make me want to pause a moment and perhaps reconsider. How do you and your wife expect to not encounter those issues?

Also, have you guys considered being foster parents? There are indeed many children who could benefit from a stable and loving home environment that they lack through no fault of their own. It's also not terribly uncommon for foster parents to turn into adoptive parents should that option appear.

Anyway...good luck with your efforts. Hope it all works out.
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#10 SplinteredChaos  Icon User is offline

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Re: Adoption

Posted 26 February 2014 - 11:41 AM

No, do not have any intention of it becoming anything that. Just wanted the official ruling on such an action in the thread so if someone is tempted to do so they know it is ok. I will not solicit anything other than opinions from this point on.

Thank you again for leaving the thread open.

@DarenR
We think that it is at least in part because of plans the adoption agency had for the child. Can't prove anything and we could be very wrong. For all I know it was a bad day for the case worker yesterday. I'll know a bit more after the meeting on Friday.

We know the couple, but are not related in any fashion. At least for in the state of Wisconsin adoptions must go through an agency, and the fees are pretty standard across the board. If we were related to the couple in any fashion the costs would be considerably less. I think for a step-parent to adopt it would be about a $1000 before attorney fees.
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