6 Replies - 1219 Views - Last Post: 16 August 2008 - 09:10 AM

#1 no2pencil  Icon User is offline

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The new office policy is designed for efficiency.

Posted 13 August 2008 - 12:30 PM

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

1) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

2) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

3) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.


Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

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Replies To: The new office policy is designed for efficiency.

#2 Arhineus  Icon User is offline

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Re: The new office policy is designed for efficiency.

Posted 13 August 2008 - 12:37 PM

Heh...my coworker emailed this to me just this morning...lol
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#3 abgorn  Icon User is offline

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Re: The new office policy is designed for efficiency.

Posted 13 August 2008 - 12:57 PM

Sounds craptastic!
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#4 Moonbat  Icon User is offline

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Re: The new office policy is designed for efficiency.

Posted 13 August 2008 - 02:18 PM

This sounds more like one of Stalin's Five Year Plans :P
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#5 NickDMax  Icon User is offline

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Re: The new office policy is designed for efficiency.

Posted 13 August 2008 - 03:02 PM

...I am be bound to be "sectioned under the company's mental health policy."
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#6 Winstinology  Icon User is offline

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Re: The new office policy is designed for efficiency.

Posted 14 August 2008 - 10:30 AM

Nice find.. I love the part about the toilet paper retracting.... Genius!
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#7 BetaWar  Icon User is offline

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Re: The new office policy is designed for efficiency.

Posted 16 August 2008 - 09:10 AM

That's it!!! I am never getting a job!!! LOL, nice find :P
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