Andrew Largeman: Oh, did you go to Columbia High?
Sam: No, not from high school, from TV. Didn't you play the retarded quarterback?
Andrew Largeman: Yeah.
Sam: Are you really retarded?
Andrew Largeman: No.
Sam: Ooh, great job man! I really thought you were retarded. I mean, you're better than that Corky kid and he's actually retarded. If there was a retarded Oscar you would win, hands down, kick his ass!
Sam: I'm not innocent.
Andrew Largeman: Yes, you are! That's what I like about you, okay? And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!
Mark: Man... that's the most worked up I've ever seen you.
Sam: He's protecting me.
Andrew Largeman: So?
Sam: He *likes* me!
Andrew Largeman: Don't be cute.
Sam: He's my knight in shining armor.
Andrew Largeman: Don't talk about knights around Mark, it's a sore subject.
Mark: I'm gonna kill that motherfucker!
Andrew Largeman: Pun intended?
Kenny: Yeah, I know!
Andrew Largeman: ...Why?
Kenny: I don't know, man. Had nothing better to do.
Kenny: People really listen to you, you know? I mean...
[suddenly pulls out gun]
Kenny: they HAVE to!
Kenny: Plus, the benefits are great, you know
Andrew Largeman: But Kenny, the last time I saw you, you were doing coke lines off a urinal.
Kenny: I know, I know, man... but it was time for me to grow up, you know? Plus, I wasn't making shit at that fish market. No one knew who I was, I couldn't get laid. Yeah, it's a much better situation for me now.
I need a man like Zack Braff...or a girl like Natalie Portman for that matter *sigh*