See this woman who had been dating one of my dad's friends from up north needed to "dry up from crack", came to Florida... cause you know, Florida doesn't have a crack problem. :[?

When she heard we were going up to that region, she immediately demanded we bring her along as her sister lives in Deland, and she would like to visit her.

"She's prettier than me...." was her selling point. Which wasn't saying much as this woman looked like she'd been beat with the ugly stick from birth. So she pulled out a picture of her sister, which my dog of a brother reacted swimmingly too and said he had no problem dropping her off.

When we got to the region we had the sister come meet us out at the exit as driving a truck and trailer into an unknown neighbourhood is never a good idea. She rides out and she demands to see us boys.

"I haven't seen you since you were this big!" Holding her hand up to her crotch. "And you're just as handsome as your father."

I should point out here, he is my half-brother, he was only raised by my father. My father treated him as his own flesh and blood, but physically wise it was obvious they weren't related.

"So, you boys going to be done with your truck today? Where you staying if you're not?"

"A motel..." I say hesitantly; I want to leave.

"Nooooo, stay at my place, I have plenty of room."

My brother, noticing the slut dripping down her leg, perks up and takes up the offer.

"Wonderful, see you tonight." And she winks in our direction.

"Ugh..." I cringe as we get in the truck. "Seriosly dude, we're going to do this are we?"

"Shut up dude, I haven't been laid in days."

So we go and work on the truck over to this tiny town where we were fixing the truck. It was taking a bit longer to fix up the trailer, which made my brother very happy. I also got electricuted in the process because my dumb-ass leaned up against the truck while the guy was welding... if you can take anything from this story, don't do that.

So we disconnect and take just the tractor back into Deland. On the way we ring up the siter's and let them know we're coming. They give us directions in and we pull up to the house. It was a cute little suburban house, nothing ominous about it. Just two sister's getting shit-faced on daiquiris and a room-mate shaking his head.

"You have no idea what you just got yourself into."

"Excuse me?"

"Just don't let them get out of hand. I'm going to my girlfriends." This guy I don't know then just leaves... ok, so maybe there was something a little ominous.

So here on out I'll refer to them as 'hottie' and 'hatchet', I don't want to use names, and this really describes them well. Hottie was a very attractive woman in her 30's. She was so because she worked at it, unlike her sister who had actually also been very pretty back in the 80's. Hottie kept up her looks because she was a party animal... bar hopping, ecstasy, random men, and a tiki-hut bartending job that required her to wear a bikini (it's Florida... we have those). Well her party-girl mentality came out very quickly... and it was obvious she had invited us over because she assumed such young men would also be into partying.

We weren't.

I was cleaning up off of drugs in hopes of learning my new trade of truck driving. And my brother was on lock-down by my father, it's the only way he could keep his job working for my dad (my dad owned the truck we were driving).

"Party poopers... well fine, if you don't want to join, drive me to the bar!" She was strangely responsible about the driving drunk part of everything... ok, I guess that's how she lived this long with her habits.

Before we leave she directs us to the linen closet and where we can sleep. I get the fold out couch in the living room, my brother the spare bedroom in the back. Hatchet is going to sleep in her sister's room... "Slumber Partay!!!!"

I then drive her in her pick-up with her sister hatchet to the bar. I drop them off and Hottie kisses me on the cheek as she gets out of the truck.

"Are you sure you don't want to come?"

"I'm 19, I don't have ID."

"I can get you in."

"I'm sorry, ma'am, I'm tired from work."

"MA'AM! Fine... and I was going to ask you to wait up for me!" She then pulls out her purse, pulls out a cellophane wrapper. "Are you sure? I have some 'x'."

"No."

... :{

Ok, yeah, I know... I said she was a very attractive woman. And she was. And I did have a thing for older women when I was a teen... every teen did. But I had a sneeking feeling about this lady... and I'm supposed to be sober damn it!

My brother and I sit around drinking a couple beers and watching Discovery Channel (hey I didn't mean 100% sober, just you know... no blow). Before they're home the room-mate stops in, he had forgotten something. He notices us just sitting on the porch alone, making ourselves at home.

"Where's Hottie!?"

"Ummm... I dropped her at the bar with her sister."

"You did WHAT! Great... yeah... I'm just grabbing something, and I'm out of here. Good luck."

"What's that mean?"

"Nothing... just- just don't say I didn't warn y'all."

... :[

Later that evening the door swings open and the sister's coming stumbling in with two men. Let me rephrase that... a 7 foot tall mentally handicapped boy and his Motley Crue roadey looking brother, maybe 5 and a half feet tall and 80 lb's soaking wet.

She's got standards!

She stares at me, I assume because my brother is just out of her view, and her from his, he's still trying to lean over to get a look at what's making all the noise. She points at me and glares... grabs the carney mother-fucka and drags him into her bed-room door that is just off the living room.

My brother gets a look around the wall and in the sliding glass door to only see hatchet clawing at the chest of Lennie Small who is staring at the ceiling with slobber coming down his mouth.

"Great... they're back." He's upset they had left in the first place. And seeing that they'd brought at least 1 man back, he acts even more defeated. Don't tell him I said that though...

I'm telling you, they weren't in that room long enough for me to take off my clothes before axel poser came back out the door wearing one of Hottie's robes. He was holding an unlit cigarette smugly between his lips with a giant grin on his face. He then comes out onto the back porch demanding a lighter from one of us. He then takes perch in one of the chairs and starts making fun of the show we're watching.

My brother seeing the evidence that this guy had just slept with Hottie is none to happy with the evening thus far. He leans in about to do his intimidating speech thingy he always does to competition when Hottie comes out the door... disgruntled and wearing a pink robe. My brother perks up, she's unhappy, she's high, and looking for more.

I'm warry.

She proceeds to sit in MY lap, put her arm around MY neck, and start telling a story.

"Did you know that when I was your age I lived just up the mountain from your father?"

"Ummm... no."

"Yeah, I used to come down and hagn out in your dad's hot-tub."

"I remember that hot-tub, I turned it into my frog garden when I was a kid."

"Ummm... yeah. Well your dad, he was such a gentleman. He always had champagne and party favors. I had so much fun there back then."

My brother is now glaring at me. Sights on his new competition I guess. You see this story she's telling, I've heard it before. When we were kids, after my parent's divorced, my brother got the courts to allow him to live with my father. We used to watch in envy from our bedrooms at night as my father would entertain parties into the wee-hours. My brother used to say, looking at my father with his arms around 2 and 3 women in the hot-tub, "When I grow up, I'm going to be just like dad."

"OK... I'm done here. I'm going to bed." I start to get up allowing Hottie to get off my lap. I go into the living room and crawl into bed. I see in the corner of my eyes that hatchet has maneuvered rabbit crusher towards the room my brother is to sleep in. And of course here comes my brother.

"I think I'm going to join Dylan in going to sleep."

He rounds the corner, exhails and exhausted look at me. I'm no longer competition, and he sees I was right in just separating myself from the situation. This is when he sees Hatchet atop the 7-foot loaf of corn-bread and flips his lid. He's back out to the porch ranting and raving... this is where my child-hood skills of blocking out mommy and daddy come in. I just curl up and try to sleep... I just don't want this anymore and would rather see the following morning.

They're now moving to the back room. More yammering, arm waving, and what not. Hottie then comes out of the bedroom and crawls into the fold out bed.

"I had an *insert my surname here* back in the 80's, I'm going to have myself another one. You fuck me right here, right now. Or you get out of this bed so my sister can have it."

:{

"That's k, Hatchet can have it, I'm outs."

I grab my travel bag, and march out the door. I climb into the tractor and into the bunk in the back to sleep. Not 15 minutes later my brother is following behind.

"You have the right idea bro."

We start up the truck and roll away. We find ourselves back by I-4 at a motel, laying in bed, recalling the crazy evening we had just had.

"Man... you could write a book on our family."

"Seriously dude. But what would we call it?"