[TriggaMike]

Sethro117, on 3 Dec, 2009 - 11:08 PM, said:

supersloth, on 3 Dec, 2009 - 11:00 PM, said:

jesus fucking christ

That.

That.

[midnight17]

Okay... Thanks for telling me how you feel about it. I'll continue improving on my stories then, trying to apeal to a wider audience than the usual gang I hang with.

~MidNight The Magnificent

[Gloin]

midnight17, on 4 Dec, 2009 - 06:54 AM, said:

I'd fuck, yes, & gladly too,

Now we're talking!!

[WolfCoder]

The post is so long I scrolled all the way to the bottom to tell you vaguely that it was boring without actually having read it.

[kowwok]

Let me just take control of this before it happens, and say

INTERNET IS SERIOUS BUSINESS

[kowwok]

I'd love some chocolate covered bacon to go along with my nerd rope right now...

[nathanpc]

I agree.

[ForcedSterilizationsForAll]

midnight17, on 3 Dec, 2009 - 11:54 PM, said:

@ FSFA,

No, dear, it's called FAN-FICTION. Try Fanfiction.net, savvy? But never mind, I can tell that this is not your kind of a thing. Thanks for tell me that. I do sincerely appreciate your reviews.

People who just say "you suck." or even "lol"/"rofl" are certainly LESS helpful than you. (Yes, so I suck. Don't just tell me that. More importantly, tell me WHY I suck.) (Same goes for you guys who only tell me "lol"/"rofl". Yes, I'm glad I made you laugh till you shit in your pants, but don't just tell me so. Tell me which parts were good/why you laughed at my work. Saying you loved/hated my work isn't helping me improve. Tell me WHY you loved/hated what I write.)

& one more thing, I'm so NOT into necrophilia. Dracula(who, by the way, kicks Twilight's sparkly ass all the way to the next galaxy) I'd fuck, yes, & gladly too, but NOT a corpse. Vampires are UNdead anyway, so, not a corpse. Savvy?

Fanfic is the lowest form of creative writing, at the bottom of the barrel. Are there any fanfic writers that can be taken seriously? You wanted to know why your story sucks donkey balls and I told you exactly why. Yet, since you seemed to totally ignore it or were to blind to see it I will spell it out for you again:

1) DO NOT USE & when trying to say and. This is a piece of writing not fucking twitter.

2) THERE IS NO CHARACTER MOTIVATION. These characters just seem to be there because they were there in the original story. Let me go into further detail:
a) The original Queen wants a kid so she fucks a stranger. There isn't a single mention of why the King couldn't have provided the child. It's just "I want a kid. Oh this stranger that has somehow appeared in the castle with me will fuck me and give me a kid. I'll go for it!"
The Queen sees Snow White killing the villagers but does nothing. There is nothing about the villagers' reactions to their fellow men disappearing.
c) You said 3 or 4 of the dwarves didn't trust Snow White, but when she dies they use their jewels to make a clear coffin... There is nothing to signify they came around or why they are using their share of the jewels to pay for the coffin.

3) HALF THE STORY IS MISSING! You have some Hunter being hired and then say "he didn't trick her, he really did bring her the heart!" What in your story would signify that he was going to trick the Queen? Is it because in the Disney movie he tricks her so you think we'll use that movie to tell your story?

4) Why do I care about these characters? You've done nothing to help the reader develop an attachment to these characters. Why should I care what happens to any of these people.

5) There is no concept of a timeline. You mention that she's 9 or 10 and then she's suddenly in the forest and passes out on the beds. Is she still 9 or 10 at this time? So not only is your prince she marries a necrophiliac he's also a pedophile?

6) The tone/voice you are using to tell the story changes. It starts out with a little bit of a fairy tale tone, and then seems to change. You also seem to have shit in there that is only there for shock value and adds nothing to the story. An example is when you say the prince fucks Snow White's corpse. You seem to be swearing just to swear and it adds nothing to the story and changes the tone.

7) You follow the rules of a universe different than the one you created. This is your story. You make the rules, but you add your own narrative and say "And then since all fairy tales have this, she did this..." You don't have to follow the story of the original, by changing Snow White into a demon (I say demon because you never mention her only going out at night and having an adverse reaction to the sunlight she can't be a vampire... unless you're doing that Twilight shit) you've already completely changed things.

8) The writing was just bad. I really don't know how to explain it, but it felt like something on par with what someone in primary school would write. Maybe that's due to all the other elements I listed missing or maybe because you lack the skill to tell a decent story.

9) You failed to suck me in to the story. I stopped caring about three sentences in.

I think that's enough for now. If you want to be taken seriously as a writer you will NEVER succeed without addressing these issues. So much is missing from your story, and it's not just this one either. I read your Three Bears story and it was just as lacking.

There, I spelled out some of what I felt was wrong with your story and why it was the worst piece of writing I have read since I was ten.

[ForcedSterilizationsForAll]

You do realize the original story was used to scary little kidss from talking to strangers who were all viewed as child molesters, right?

In fact, all "fairy" tales were used as a way to teach lessons to kids.

-----
For the critique, your story seemed rushed and missed all the elements that make a story worthwhile. Again, no character motivation and nothing to make me care about these characters. On another note, at least you're staying consistent with the quality or rather lack-thereof in regards to your writing.

[Amadeus]

OP: I think you need to be able to temper the criticism given (not suggesting you have not been) to account for the fact that most folks will look at your work (or any work) with an overlay of their own expectations of literature superimposed.

Keep writing, and enjoy yourself!

[BenignDesign]

I have to say this one is much better than the Snow White you posted earlier. It has considerably more character development and a better flow. Greatly improved! (yes, I DID go back and read the other one).

[NeoTifa]

I actually read a facfic that was quite fucking awesome. It was an FF8 fanfic where Rinoa dies and Squall goes after Quistis or something. I'll have to find that again. I haven't read that in like 5 years...

[supersloth]

did we really need two fucking threads?

[BenignDesign]

Now that you mention it, no, not really.

[NeoTifa]

XD

Wow, wasn't expecting the guns part. Maybe a little more action woulda made it better, maybe a sweet knife fight instead. I don't know.