How to develop social skills?

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#1 viktormilly   User is offline

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How to develop social skills?

Posted 15 August 2015 - 09:57 AM

I have a feeling that this is the most important skillset I miss. Everyone have them, and everyone expected to have them, but this somehow passed me by. What exactly are those in the first place? It's something more than just talking? Is talking enough to gain it?
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#2 viktormilly   User is offline

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Re: How to develop social skills?

Posted 15 August 2015 - 10:04 AM

Everything you call talking has quite a lot of diplomacy and trading inside of it. I honestly feel like talking, especially talking in public, is some kind of sparring, rules of which I don't even know.
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#3 ChrispyChris   User is offline

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Re: How to develop social skills?

Posted 15 August 2015 - 10:08 AM

Social skills, hmm.. I feel like you can develop them. When I was really young I was shy and nervous, so much so that I couldn't ever make it in to the first day of school. I had a hard time giving speeches and talking in front of people. Fast forward a little and I started opening up. I believe it's because I put myself out there, took things in a light manner, and just went for it. I look goofy sometimes, I'm loud and funny, a little "crazy," but I have a great time and people see that. They gravitated towards me and all of a sudden I was one of the most popular kids in school by high school. After that it was just continuing to talk to people, and not taking life so serious.

I'm a very very verrrrrry easy going person, you'll never see my mad (unless I can't get some C++ code to work haha), and that has helped my social skills a lot. The more easy you are to be around, the more people will want to be around you.

To sum it up, just put yourself out there. Talking isn't enough to get it, it takes a lot of mental work in my opinion to overcome any barriers you have ingrained in your head, but talking is a catalyst to help with the other aspects of social skills. Sign up for a group or go to the local bar, grab a drink, and talk to random people. I can go anywhere, pick a person out, and talk to them like good ol' pals. It takes work if you're not naturally born with the skills, but you can develop them. Like I said, get out there and work on it man and if you feel uncomfortable or something in a situation, take a step back and look at the reason for it.

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Everything you call talking has quite a lot of diplomacy and trading inside of it. I honestly feel like talking, especially talking in public, is some kind of sparring, rules of which I don't even know.

Don't take life too serious, it's a fun thing if you can look at it as enjoyable. Outside of a business or professional type of conversation, talking shouldn't feel like sparring. If it does, in my opinion, you're talking to the wrong person because some people can be frustrating to talk to and seem like they are always arguing or something. Enjoy life man.

I was in a federal detention center for a little while, there are very different walks of life in there. Guys that are friendly, guys that aren't, guys that are crazy, guys that aren't. I got along with everyone great because I didn't get serious or argue and I stayed away from the guys that couldn't enjoy the day. Besides the fact that I missed thirteen months of my life on the outside here, I had somewhat of a good time with some pretty good guys that made a few mistakes (some more than others). Like I keep saying, take it easy man, you have one life, just enjoy it. If you look at life with that mindset, I believe things will come a lot easier for you.

This post has been edited by ChrispyChris: 15 August 2015 - 10:13 AM

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#4 viktormilly   User is offline

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Re: How to develop social skills?

Posted 15 August 2015 - 10:59 AM

Social skills are about making social connections... Relaxing and opening up bit by bit to the right people seems like a simple and optimal strategy... Making friends is about making network of trust, and it's easier to trust people you know for a long time, seen drunk and know their secrets just in case...

Will you guys still talk with me without trusting me? I don't really care about friendship, I just want to get my work done and get some information.

What about skills like lying and recognising lie? I'm pretty sure many of you can do that. Maybe there are other social skills, can't think of example.

As a coward, I always first look at the risks. I just read an article on a lifehacker, something about "NeGaTiVe people", which describes me as a coward pretty well. One of simular articles recommends just not talking with people like that, which I think is pretty cruel. So, question is, how to pretend to be positive and open to everybody well enough? How to make your alternative backstory well enough, to not be catched on lie? How to keep your mouth shut even while drunk? How to smile to people you think as disgusting?
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#5 ChrispyChris   User is offline

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Re: How to develop social skills?

Posted 15 August 2015 - 11:48 AM

Well friends, true ones, you should never need to know their secrets just in case... That's a little odd and I feel like if you're serious about all this, you're off on the wrong start.

I will talk with anyone without trusting them. How much I divulge to said person is a very different story.

Lying is something that is learned and practiced, but in my opinion not something you should get in the habit of doing at all. I'm a good liar because I lived life for six years lying about drug use and where I was, who I was with, what I was doing, if I was sober, yada yada. I don't lie anymore, pretty much at all, although sometimes a white lie or whatever. I prefer honesty these days. Keep life much simpler and more enjoyable, which goes back to my main point. Enjoy life. Recognizing lie is tough, especially if the liar is good at lying. Although like I said, don't involve yourself with people that lie constantly, you shouldn't have to worry about everything they said as true or false.

Alternative backstory? What are you trying to do, create a fake person? Come on man, relax and just be yourself. People will like you, people won't, and some people will fucking hate your guts. Who cares? Hang with the ones you like (usually those are the ones that like you too) and enjoy the company. Your backstory is whatever you have lived, not something you make up to be cool or less weird. You are who you are.

Keeping your mouth shut while drunk... Hahaha that just depends on if you can handle your alcohol or not and also on how much you drink. If you black out, who knows what you will do. Watch what you drink.

Always smile man, life is good, then if you see some nasty fuck, you're already smiling :rolleyes:...

This post has been edited by ChrispyChris: 15 August 2015 - 11:49 AM

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#6 cfoley   User is offline

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Re: How to develop social skills?

Posted 15 August 2015 - 11:48 AM

http://www.amazon.co...e/dp/0091906814
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#7 jon.kiparsky   User is offline

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Re: How to develop social skills?

Posted 15 August 2015 - 11:50 AM

Start by noticing that you have a set of perceptions, thoughts, beliefs, desires, goals, fears, and so forth which are important to you. By convention, we call this set your "intentionality". This set is in some sense private to you - others might make assumptions about your thoughts, beliefs, etc., but they cannot know them without consulting you, and they cannot change them without acting "through you" in some way. Then by analogy assume that others also have similar "intentionality" which is similarly private to them, and is important to them.

Now you have a basis for social skills: develop in yourself the assumption that other people's intentionality - their beliefs, desires, thoughts, goals, and so forth - are to some extent important to you. That is, start acting as though other people matter. This is more or less what its meant by "social skills".


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I just read an article on a lifehacker


Probably a bad idea. In fact, if you're having trouble interacting with people, you might consider going on an internet fast for a while, or at least a restricted diet.
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#8 viktormilly   User is offline

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Re: How to develop social skills?

Posted 15 August 2015 - 11:56 AM

ChrispyChrisYour post made me smile, thank you :balloon: Thank you for listenning.
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#9 ChrispyChris   User is offline

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Re: How to develop social skills?

Posted 15 August 2015 - 12:01 PM

Always around bud, sadly I don't get away from computers for too long, and if I am I have a phone haha. If you ever need a random person to talk to or get things off your chest without worry of me laughing or whatever, send me a PM.

Have a good day and take life easy man.
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#10 baavgai   User is offline

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Re: How to develop social skills?

Posted 15 August 2015 - 12:55 PM

If you have to ask...

Actually, social skills lack often goes along with a few pips on the autism spectrum. A not uncommon thing among programmers, engineers, geeks in general.

I had a friend, high functioning enough to teach university classes in his teens but socially hopeless. He learned a whole lot from playing online games (WoW) and interacting with many people. There was a noticeable improvement as he gained more experience with more social scenarios.

To be clear, some folks just have a really, really hard time understanding what other people are thinking and reading their emotional reactions. If you're in that boat then you have to work harder. The most successful at this build up a mental catalog of acceptable behaviors via close observation. It also helps to have a more perceptive friend to point out when you just put your foot in it.
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#11 viktormilly   User is offline

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Re: How to develop social skills?

Posted 15 August 2015 - 01:14 PM

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How To Win Friends & Influence People

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Don't read books from this author. He teaches hypocrisy, falsehood and manipulating. I curse this book, it destroyed my life. Throw it out and burn.

Just that I was asking for... Um... Let's not... At least for now...

jon.kiparsky
There is something about me that only I know, and there is something about anyone that only he/she knows. Yeah, I know that better than anyone else.

Acting as if I care about others? As if they have some value? Hm... I don't realy care about you, but I'm curious about you, your experience, anything you can share. Does that counts?

I don't think that getting rid of the internet will be so simple, there just no any other good sources of... porn? News? Entertainment? Yes, entertainment would be difficult to replace. Also information, living without google is hard.

I'm not sure if I can find programmers of this forum's level in my city. Why do I care about programmers, talk with people, any people. But, for what? Well, this time I can offer something to them, probably. I'm not skilled enough yet, though.

How to Just Talk? I'm even culturally separated from them, the only thing that is the same is our physical location, but we are like in parallel universes. When they ask me if I watched something, I always answer No, and when I want to ask them if they watched something, I can't remember youtube id. Those little questions they don't really care about is an excuse to start Just Talking, right?

ChrispyChris Sure, I will! I'll bring something interesting with me too, like cats or sumfin or. I wanted to upload my youtube backstory into somebody, yes, I'll do that.
Your posts feel light like air, I kept repeating those words while thinking on a reply.
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#12 cfoley   User is offline

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Re: How to develop social skills?

Posted 15 August 2015 - 01:26 PM

View Postviktormilly, on 15 August 2015 - 09:14 PM, said:

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How To Win Friends & Influence People

Quote

Don't read books from this author. He teaches hypocrisy, falsehood and manipulating. I curse this book, it destroyed my life. Throw it out and burn.

Just that I was asking for... Um... Let's not... At least for now...


I can't find that quote. I should say that I've not read the book myself but my impression of it was that came highly recommended. I thought it was full of advice like "remember people's names" and "remember things that are going on in their lives" along with techniques to help you achieve these things.

Sorry if I gave you a crap recommendation.
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#13 viktormilly   User is offline

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Re: How to develop social skills?

Posted 15 August 2015 - 01:29 PM

Well, I can read emotions. But I don't know what to do afterwards. Usually I just leave whoever it is with their emotions and go to do whatever is interesting to me.
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#14 viktormilly   User is offline

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Re: How to develop social skills?

Posted 15 August 2015 - 01:35 PM

cfoley

It's just a post from a torrent tracker. From some guy I will never see again for the rest of my life. Nothing to be trusted. Pretty much like your post.

Thank you for taking your time for explaining.
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#15 jon.kiparsky   User is offline

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Re: How to develop social skills?

Posted 15 August 2015 - 10:40 PM

View Postviktormilly, on 15 August 2015 - 03:14 PM, said:

Acting as if I care about others? As if they have some value? Hm... I don't realy care about you, but I'm curious about you, your experience, anything you can share. Does that counts?


As I say: act as if the people you talk to matter to you. This is where "social skills" come from. If you don't really care about someone, at least try to act as though you do."Fake it 'til you make it" really works here. Once you get the hang of it, you'll find that people really do matter to you, and that this adds immensely to your life.

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I don't think that getting rid of the internet will be so simple, there just no any other good sources of... porn? News? Entertainment? Yes, entertainment would be difficult to replace. Also information, living without google is hard.


The internet not evil, and it's even useful for some things, but it is essentially a machine for keeping you out of the real world. It's a tool for ignoring your life, just like television. It's one big distraction. It's also fundamentally unsatisfying, and it's arguably a very effective teacher of antisocial habits, and it's completely optional. Learn to get past it, and you'll find that the real world has a lot to offer. For one thing, sex in the real world has a lot to offer that you won't get from porn.
I can promise you, at the end of your life, when you're on your deathbed surrounded by your loved ones, you will not be saying "I only wish I'd spend more time surfing the web".

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I'm not sure if I can find programmers of this forum's level in my city. Why do I care about programmers, talk with people, any people. But, for what? Well, this time I can offer something to them, probably. I'm not skilled enough yet, though.


I generally don't find that my casual interactions with other people are quite so transactional as this. I don't "offer" anything at all. I chat with people because we're in the same space and there's something to chat about. I'm in the coffee shop, I see that someone's reading a book that I liked, I say "oh, I really enjoyed that" and we chat about the book for a few minutes and both of us come away with a pleasant interaction, which makes the day nicer. Someone's walking their dog, I stop and pet the dog, chat about the weather for a few minutes, everyone's happy. Sometimes you start chatting with someone and it turns out you have something in common and you end up several years later hanging out to drink wind and talk about the week on a Friday night or cat-sitting for them when they go off on vacation or something because it turns out they become friends of yours. That doesn't always happen, but it only happens if you pull yourself out of the internet once in a while and get in the world and talk to real people.


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How to Just Talk? I'm even culturally separated from them, the only thing that is the same is our physical location, but we are like in parallel universes. When they ask me if I watched something, I always answer No, and when I want to ask them if they watched something, I can't remember youtube id. Those little questions they don't really care about is an excuse to start Just Talking, right?


Oy. Yeah, I'm thinking you need to go cold turkey for a while. Seriously. The internet will still be there in six months - you should go check out the analog world for a while. Go for a hike, take up calligraphy, take some metalworking classes, whatever. Just get out in the world and be there, and come back when you can have a conversation without asking how it's done.
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