[hawkysu]

WIN

[sbell1099]

"Scott A boy catches his mum and dad having sex,"what ya doing?".His dad replies"making a brother or sister".Boy says"If you do her doggy style,can I have a puppy?

[Bort]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission
in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he
realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and
says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he
points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

This post has been edited by Bort: 01 October 2009 - 06:29 AM

[NeoTifa]

Been posted already.

[Bort]

Wasn't sure, and couldn't be bothered to scroll through 16 pages to check...editing it out now

hehe, was probably me that posted it in the first place too

This post has been edited by Bort: 01 October 2009 - 06:29 AM

[Bort]

FOR GOD'S SAKE:

A priest concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several boxes of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for £10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The priest knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the priest decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the priest immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you do selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing over an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the £200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's £280 I collected."

The priest responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, he turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered a large envelope. He opened it and counted the contents.

"What is this?" the priest exclaimed. "Louie, there's £3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the priest agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know ff-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten p-p-p-pounds ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-wou ld yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m -me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

[Nikhil_07n]

Going Camping

Two buddies head off for a week long camping trip.Unfortunately,it rains for the first 5 days and they are stuck together inside the tent.Finally on the sixth day the sun comes out,and one camper,(realizing that they desperately need some time apart),comes up with an idea.After breakfast, i'll head north, and you go south.We'll go see what there is to see,and report back here tonight and talk about it. So later on our first camper heads north.He finds a scenic valley where he spends the day hiking,fishing,and enjoying the outdoors.Later, he reluctantly heads back to camp thinking there is no way his buddys day could top his. Later that evening he tells his story as they relaxed by the campfire.Then his buddy tells his story. I headed south this morning,and after about twenty minutes,I came across some railroad tracks where i found a beautiful woman tied to the tracks.So i untied her and spent the entire day having sex with her. Completely shocked,the first camper exclaims,you lucky bastard,did you get a blowjob too?Well...I would have loved to,his buddy explained,but i could'nt find her head anywhere.

[Sinnner]

Bort, on 12 Oct, 2009 - 01:27 AM, said:

FOR GOD'S SAKE:

A priest concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church ........................-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

Wow, that was awesome!

Dun have a joke though...

So maybe the next guy can add two for me.

[ayman_mastermind]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

[Bort]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end,puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene : What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene : Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom
she prefers.


'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'


The pharmacist fainted.

[Locke]

Bort, on 19 Oct, 2009 - 02:42 AM, said:

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

o i c wut u did thar.

[macosxnerd101]

So these 2 prostitutes were driving along in their car. While one was driving, the other was holding a sign that said "Two Prostitutes For Sale, $50." Suddenly, a cop pulled them over. "What do you two think you're doing? You'd better take that sign down!" he said. Just then, a car drove by with a sign saying "Join the Baptist Church." One of the prostitutes said to the cop "Why do they get to have a sign up and we don't?" The cop replied, "Because theirs is about religion, and yours isn't. Now you can take it down or go to jail." Reluctantly, the prostitutes complied, and the next day, they passed the cop with a sign saying "Two Angels Seeking Peter. $50."

[OliveOyl3471]

ayman_mastermind, on 17 Oct, 2009 - 07:21 AM, said:

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

nice

[Nikhil_07n]

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?" said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

[Bort]

CORRECT ANSWER?

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some arithmetical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the London School of Economics and I need some help. If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."