[JamnJava]

I know one thing. Cops have no sense of humor. -

It was a few years back, on my birthday. I was leaving my birthday party at Fudruckers' after eating a 2lb hamburger, and a pitcher & 1/2 of good old Bud. I guess I was speeding a little bit on the drive home. The officer pulled me and the conversation went something like this. -

Cop: What's the hurry?

Me: I'm a rectum stretcher, I'm late for an appointment.

Cop: I'm sorry sir, you're a what?

Me: A rectum stretcher. You know. I start with a finger, then two, then three and on and on. I work my way up and continue to stretch until I have a nice six foot ass stretched out.

Cop: What in the world do you do with a six foot asshole?

Me: Usually I give them a badge, and a radar gun.

Cop: Boy, there ain't much between you and a fool is there?

Me: Nothing but a car door.

Cop: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that, cause my momma didn't raise no fools.

Me: Which leaves a question begging to be asked, who raised you?

Cop: That's it. Out of the car.



Needless to say, that was a pretty ugly night for me.

Cops do not have any sense of humor. -

[NeoTifa]

Lol. Thats why you should live in the country in Ohio..... They're real bored here. They might enjoy that

[Locke]

JamnJava, on 29 Dec, 2008 - 05:01 AM, said:

I know one thing. Cops have no sense of humor. -

It was a few years back, on my birthday. I was leaving my birthday party at Fudruckers' after eating a 2lb hamburger, and a pitcher & 1/2 of good old Bud. I guess I was speeding a little bit on the drive home. The officer pulled me and the conversation went something like this. -

Cop: What's the hurry?

Me: I'm a rectum stretcher, I'm late for an appointment.

Cop: I'm sorry sir, you're a what?

Me: A rectum stretcher. You know. I start with a finger, then two, then three and on and on. I work my way up and continue to stretch until I have a nice six foot ass stretched out.

Cop: What in the world do you do with a six foot asshole?

Me: Usually I give them a badge, and a radar gun.

Cop: Boy, there ain't much between you and a fool is there?

Me: Nothing but a car door.

Cop: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that, cause my momma didn't raise no fools.

Me: Which leaves a question begging to be asked, who raised you?

Cop: That's it. Out of the car.



Needless to say, that was a pretty ugly night for me.

Cops do not have any sense of humor. -

This is precisely why I avoid getting pulled over at all costs. I have a very sarcastic and joking nature about me, and I know if I ever got pulled over...it'd get me into some really deep trouble...

Anyway...nice.

[P4L]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit t for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it!

[NeoTifa]

Balls! I can do half of that stuff!!!! *admires my manicure*

..... >__< I still can't think of any jokes.... well, besides dead baby, racist, and yo mamma jokes, which I wouldn't tell anyways because I hate them

[JamnJava]

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of
fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw
him and called, "What have you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on my strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We
put sugar and cream on ours."

[Bort]

A Neat bit of Trivia. Railroads and Rocket Science

All about why rail tracks are that width: read to the end for the punch line.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old,
long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions.
The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing..
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right,
because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.
These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter,
but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains.

The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system
was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

[Dilerious]

Lmao excellent =)

[Bort]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No." Then they said
"All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." George said, "Okay" He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars r ed-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (True Story)

I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people!

[NeoTifa]

Ha ha how true is that!!!

[lukas76]

Whizzy, on 22 Oct, 2008 - 06:44 AM, said:

What is marriage?
A down payment on the divorce.




This computer company put out a computer and boasted that it could determine anything medically wrong with you from a simple urine sample. To prove their claim they sent out ten test vial kits across the nation, Farmer Jones received one of the kits, read the letter,and decided to participate. He urinated in the vial, closed it up and shipped it back. Three weeks later he received the test results, and to his suprize, another test kit. The letter read:

Dear Farmer Jones,
Medically speaking you are in perfect health, however, it has been discovered you have tennis elbow in your right arm. If you are not happy with these results, another kits is enclosed for a free retest.

Outraged by these bullshit results, farmer Jones claims their computer has "Flipped a chip" and decides to get even. So he has his wife urinate in a vial, his son urinate in a vial, his unmarried daughter urinate in a vile, goes out to his truck, gets three drops of oil, three drops of transmission fluid, three drops of antifreeze, goes into the bathroom and whacks off into a vial. He mixes the contents of the vials and closes it up and ships it back. Three weeks come and go with no reply. Four weeks, five weeks... no results. Finally He receives a reply in the mail. He places the envelope on the mantle, and calls all of his friends and family over for a party the next night. During the party He gets everyones attention, and explains the entire story...

"Now, we'll see here what this new fangled hi tech box has to say this time", He said as he opened the envelope.

Dear farmer Jones,
We apologize for the delay in mailing your results, it was a very complicated test, and we re-ran it to verify the results. The results are as follows:

We regret to inform you, your wife has Gonorrhea, your son has aids, your unwed daughter is five months pregnant, your truck needs an oil change, the transmission is slipping, the antifreeze is weak, and if you don't quit whacking off, you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow.

pure gold!!!!!!!!

[Bort]

A young sales rep gets posted to his new region and moves into a flat in a pretty smart converted mansion.

Pleased as punch with his new set-up, he goes down to the main front door to include his name next to the relevant doorbell. No sooner has he finished, than this extremely voluptuous 30-something lady, wearing the sheerest of silky dressing gowns, almost tied, loosely, at the waist, shimmies out of the ground floor flat and sidles up next to him to examine his handiwork.

“Mmm, Brian Smith” she oozes, “now that is a distinguished name”. Leaning gently against him, she then enquires, “Do you know anyone around here yet Brian?”

“No, not really” he admits.

“Well perhaps you and I should get a little bit better acquainted” she continues, now offering a friendly stroke of his bare arm.

“Urrmm” dithers Brian

“You do know what I mean by ‘get acquainted’ Brian, don’t you?” now offering a fairly cheeky pat on his behind.

“Well, er, yes, I think I probably do” mutters Brian, feeling the colour rise in any number of cheeks.

“Oh quick”, says the vision of temptation suddenly, “I think I hear someone coming, let’s get inside my flat” – and so they do.

Now in a more private setting with the door closed behind them and recovering their breath a bit after the sudden excitement, our lovely siren is bold enough to let the rather flimsy dressing gown fastening slip completely undone.

“So Brian”, she ventures, offering a most revealing twirl to boot, “which bit of me do you think you most admire?”

There is a pause, and then Brian says “your ears”.

“My eeears?”

“Yep, gotta be”.

“Oh Brian. I must say I am a bit disappointed. These here (jiggle) are 38DD beauties – entirely natural and still, in the opinion of most, doing a great job defying gravity. These buns (slap) are hard earned by years of torture down at the gym, and the envy of many girls 10 and 15 years younger than me. And this face is that of a girl who earned big money as a photographic model in her first flush of youth but is still, I suggest, a very alluring feature, with full lips, alluring come-to-bed eyes, gorgeous lush hair and so on. But, whatever, we all have our own unique preferences, and for you it’s my ears. I’m intrigued though – do tell what it is that so impresses you about my ears?”

“Well you know you said you heard someone coming?”

“Yes honey”

“That was me”

This post has been edited by Bort: 09 January 2009 - 07:34 AM

[Bort]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, 'Mary. Mary.'

'Is that you, Fred?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.'

'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'

'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk.'

[Bort]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.
The policewoman asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She searched through her bag and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JEWISH SEX

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.
'Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!

This post has been edited by Bort: 09 January 2009 - 07:54 AM

[Locke]

Oh...my...GOD...THAT'S FUNNY!