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#47
MacAnimeGirl
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Re: Joke of the day.....
Posted 16 October 2008 - 01:30 PM
A man suffers everyday for years with endless and painful migraines.
He finally decides enough is enough and goes to the doctors. The doctor does all the necessary examinations and then some. Finally the doctor briefs the man on what is causing the migraines.
"It seems your balls are so tightly pressed to your spine that it's causing the migraines." The doctor explains.
The man is a bit perplexed but asks, "Well Doc, what can be done."
The Doctor sighs heavily and says, "The only thing we can do is cut them off. If we don't then you will continue to suffer from the migraines and they could become worse."
The man looks astonished and asks the Doctor to let him think it over for a few days. The days go by and still the migraines won't ease up and they're getting worse. The man goes back to the doctor and agrees to have it done.
The man finally recovers and goes home. Eventually he goes out on the town and isn't feeling like he's whole man. The man decides to go and get a new suit.
He goes into the tailors shop. "Yes sir, I'd like a new suit thank you."
The tailor comes up to him. "Of course sir. Just what all are you looking for?"
"Well let's start with the jacket."
"You would be a 34." The tailor says without measuring and goes to get the jacket. When he comes back with it the man tries it on.
"Wow. This fits perfectly. How'd you do that?" The man asks in surprise.
"It's my job sir."
"Well in that case," And the man continues to ask for suit pieces and the tailor continues to give him the size without measuring. Each piece the man tries on fits perfectly.
"Alright. I guess I'll get some new underwear too."
The tailor looks him up and down and circles him a couple of times. "Okay sir, you wear a size 18."
The man laughs. "Almost man. You'd done pretty good 'til then. I actually wear a size 16."
The tailor looks astonished. "But that can't be."
The man looks at him and smiles. "I've worn that size since I was 18."
The tailor shakes his head. "If you wore a 16 it would make your balls press so tightly against your spine it would cause you killer migraines."
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I don't think I got the numbers right but it all goes toward the same ending!!
Edit: Saw some grammar errors and had to correct them!
He finally decides enough is enough and goes to the doctors. The doctor does all the necessary examinations and then some. Finally the doctor briefs the man on what is causing the migraines.
"It seems your balls are so tightly pressed to your spine that it's causing the migraines." The doctor explains.
The man is a bit perplexed but asks, "Well Doc, what can be done."
The Doctor sighs heavily and says, "The only thing we can do is cut them off. If we don't then you will continue to suffer from the migraines and they could become worse."
The man looks astonished and asks the Doctor to let him think it over for a few days. The days go by and still the migraines won't ease up and they're getting worse. The man goes back to the doctor and agrees to have it done.
The man finally recovers and goes home. Eventually he goes out on the town and isn't feeling like he's whole man. The man decides to go and get a new suit.
He goes into the tailors shop. "Yes sir, I'd like a new suit thank you."
The tailor comes up to him. "Of course sir. Just what all are you looking for?"
"Well let's start with the jacket."
"You would be a 34." The tailor says without measuring and goes to get the jacket. When he comes back with it the man tries it on.
"Wow. This fits perfectly. How'd you do that?" The man asks in surprise.
"It's my job sir."
"Well in that case," And the man continues to ask for suit pieces and the tailor continues to give him the size without measuring. Each piece the man tries on fits perfectly.
"Alright. I guess I'll get some new underwear too."
The tailor looks him up and down and circles him a couple of times. "Okay sir, you wear a size 18."
The man laughs. "Almost man. You'd done pretty good 'til then. I actually wear a size 16."
The tailor looks astonished. "But that can't be."
The man looks at him and smiles. "I've worn that size since I was 18."
The tailor shakes his head. "If you wore a 16 it would make your balls press so tightly against your spine it would cause you killer migraines."
--------------------------------------------------------
I don't think I got the numbers right but it all goes toward the same ending!!
Edit: Saw some grammar errors and had to correct them!
This post has been edited by MacAnimeGirl: 16 October 2008 - 01:49 PM
#48
Reverand Dave
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Re: Joke of the day.....
Posted 16 October 2008 - 01:44 PM
OMFG GOLD BABY! 
#50
PsychoCoder
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Re: Joke of the day.....
Posted 17 October 2008 - 10:25 PM
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for 19.95, Shopping Barbie for 19.95, Beach Barbie for 19.95, Disco Barbie for 19.95, Ballerina Barbie for 19.95, Astronaut Barbie for 19.95, Skater Barbie for 19.95, and Divorced Barbie for 265.95.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie 265.95 and the others only 19.95 ?
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for 19.95, Shopping Barbie for 19.95, Beach Barbie for 19.95, Disco Barbie for 19.95, Ballerina Barbie for 19.95, Astronaut Barbie for 19.95, Skater Barbie for 19.95, and Divorced Barbie for 265.95.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie 265.95 and the others only 19.95 ?
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
#52
Reverand Dave
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Re: Joke of the day.....
Posted 18 October 2008 - 05:46 AM
Excellent
Q: Why are divorces so expensive?
A: They are worth it.
Q: Why are divorces so expensive?
A: They are worth it.
#54 Guest_Whizzy*
Re: Joke of the day.....
Posted 22 October 2008 - 07:44 AM
What is marriage?
A down payment on the divorce.
This computer company put out a computer and boasted that it could determine anything medically wrong with you from a simple urine sample. To prove their claim they sent out ten test vial kits across the nation, Farmer Jones received one of the kits, read the letter,and decided to participate. He urinated in the vial, closed it up and shipped it back. Three weeks later he received the test results, and to his suprize, another test kit. The letter read:
Dear Farmer Jones,
Medically speaking you are in perfect health, however, it has been discovered you have tennis elbow in your right arm. If you are not happy with these results, another kits is enclosed for a free retest.
Outraged by these bullshit results, farmer Jones claims their computer has "Flipped a chip" and decides to get even. So he has his wife urinate in a vial, his son urinate in a vial, his unmarried daughter urinate in a vile, goes out to his truck, gets three drops of oil, three drops of transmission fluid, three drops of antifreeze, goes into the bathroom and whacks off into a vial. He mixes the contents of the vials and closes it up and ships it back. Three weeks come and go with no reply. Four weeks, five weeks... no results. Finally He receives a reply in the mail. He places the envelope on the mantle, and calls all of his friends and family over for a party the next night. During the party He gets everyones attention, and explains the entire story...
"Now, we'll see here what this new fangled hi tech box has to say this time", He said as he opened the envelope.
Dear farmer Jones,
We apologize for the delay in mailing your results, it was a very complicated test, and we re-ran it to verify the results. The results are as follows:
We regret to inform you, your wife has Gonorrhea, your son has aids, your unwed daughter is five months pregnant, your truck needs an oil change, the transmission is slipping, the antifreeze is weak, and if you don't quit whacking off, you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow.
A down payment on the divorce.
This computer company put out a computer and boasted that it could determine anything medically wrong with you from a simple urine sample. To prove their claim they sent out ten test vial kits across the nation, Farmer Jones received one of the kits, read the letter,and decided to participate. He urinated in the vial, closed it up and shipped it back. Three weeks later he received the test results, and to his suprize, another test kit. The letter read:
Dear Farmer Jones,
Medically speaking you are in perfect health, however, it has been discovered you have tennis elbow in your right arm. If you are not happy with these results, another kits is enclosed for a free retest.
Outraged by these bullshit results, farmer Jones claims their computer has "Flipped a chip" and decides to get even. So he has his wife urinate in a vial, his son urinate in a vial, his unmarried daughter urinate in a vile, goes out to his truck, gets three drops of oil, three drops of transmission fluid, three drops of antifreeze, goes into the bathroom and whacks off into a vial. He mixes the contents of the vials and closes it up and ships it back. Three weeks come and go with no reply. Four weeks, five weeks... no results. Finally He receives a reply in the mail. He places the envelope on the mantle, and calls all of his friends and family over for a party the next night. During the party He gets everyones attention, and explains the entire story...
"Now, we'll see here what this new fangled hi tech box has to say this time", He said as he opened the envelope.
Dear farmer Jones,
We apologize for the delay in mailing your results, it was a very complicated test, and we re-ran it to verify the results. The results are as follows:
We regret to inform you, your wife has Gonorrhea, your son has aids, your unwed daughter is five months pregnant, your truck needs an oil change, the transmission is slipping, the antifreeze is weak, and if you don't quit whacking off, you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow.
#55
Reverand Dave
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Re: Joke of the day.....
Posted 22 October 2008 - 07:49 AM
Excellent!
#56 Guest_Whizzy*
Re: Joke of the day.....
Posted 22 October 2008 - 08:01 AM
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropiate point in the process, told him that he would need to enter a password to log on with. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to her attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it painfully obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell in the floor laughing when the the computer screen read:
PASSWORD DENIED. NOT LONG ENOUGH
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell in the floor laughing when the the computer screen read:
PASSWORD DENIED. NOT LONG ENOUGH
#58
Bort
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Re: Joke of the day.....
Posted 22 October 2008 - 08:49 AM
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won' t' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won' t' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
This post has been edited by Bort: 22 October 2008 - 08:50 AM
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