Different Cultures

Dating in particular

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2 Replies - 1235 Views - Last Post: 22 October 2008 - 04:08 PM

#1 tody4me   User is offline

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Different Cultures

Posted 02 October 2008 - 02:03 PM

I have heard in some cultures that the parents chose your mate, but most other cultures you're free to pick. I was wondering if on this board that there were people from a culture that you were "forced into" a marriage and how this may or may not have worked for you. Would also like to hear from people that have been trying to date for a while and whether or not you would consider this type of marriage if it were so offered.


(what can I say, I'm bored)

This post has been edited by tody4me: 02 October 2008 - 02:03 PM

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#2 born2c0de   User is offline

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Re: Different Cultures

Posted 03 October 2008 - 10:05 AM


I have heard in some cultures that the parents chose your mate

I'm pretty sure you've heard that about India and you are partially correct.

In India, the majority get 'forced' into a marriage (AKA Arranged Marriage). These people however, don't see it as a forced marriage.
It is preferred by the conservative families as they get to choose the religion of the bride/groom as well as their parental background.

In fact, there are hundreds of matrimonial websites such as this and this which makes the whole 'shortlisting' process a lot easier.

Some cultures even demand dowry (which again is a sick practice, in my opinion) and hence the poor lot from these cultures prefer arranged marriages.

In India, if you marry someone outside of your religion, chances are that you'll be looked down upon by society. That again, promotes Arranged Marriages.

'Real' Marriages are rare because in India, dating is looked down upon unless you're over 21 and have a job.

When my parents found out about my girl friend, I was lectured about "there's a time for everything", "you need to concentrate on your studies", "she'll distract you from scoring well in your exams" and similar reasons of the sort.

But that was it. My ex on the other hand had a tougher time. Her dad (very very conservative) forbade her from leaving the house for a week and after that period, he used to personally pick her up from school/college to ensure that she doesn't spend time with any boys. Of course that didn't stop us from going out but that's not the point.

Some families tell their girls not to even look at boys let alone talk to them (Yes, and I have such people sitting right next to me in college...imagine my plight) and they blindly obey their parents which makes the situation a lot worse.

Although arranged marriages were the norm a few hundred years back in the UK and across the world, India, China and Japan have still stuck to the same system.

The liberal families in India are quite open to 'Love Marriage' (Yeah, that's what it's called here lol) and don't see a problem with it.

Personally, I think arranged marriages are totally lame as I can't imagine spending my life with someone who my mom likes instead of me. Luckily for me, my parents don't mind if I marry a girl outside my caste or religion.

Given a choice (which I'm lucky to have lol), I'd prefer to get hitched on my own.

Interesting Links:
Wiki on Arranged Marriages
Wiki on Japanese Marriages
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#3 Choscura   User is offline

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Re: Different Cultures

Posted 22 October 2008 - 04:08 PM

I live in a country (thailand) where the marriages aren't necessarily forced on you, but where they aren't brought about by the ideal circumstances either.

I've seen a great many marriages here that are a result of a bargirl and her inebriated rich boyfriend on vacation who has decided that the availability of sex and drugs/alcohol makes this (thailand) *the* place to live. thailand has become famous for this everywhere else, and the particulars of different cultures have become famous among sex workers here (whether they're bargirls, 'massage' workers- not to be confused with thai massage workers, as thai massage is actually a legitimate and relatively well-known art- or any of the others who make a living in this).

the problems that come up from this aren't the same as I've seen with india (but mother, I've become X religion and don't want to marry another hindu! don't force me into a life of misery because I've made a decision you don't agree with), because with buddhism, religion is less of an issue (I'll complain about *that* in the fullness of time too. I really don't like buddhism now that I've been exposed to so much of it). but there are still situations that come up, such as:

poor farmer family lives in country. mother is moderately attractive and healthy, father is horny, likes to drink, doesn't get much work: lots of kids come out, but not a lot of money is made, so the kids get sent to primary school- which is usually free- and then sent off to work, first in the shops and fields around where they were born and then further and further away, eventually to bangkok, where the most money can be made. once there, the kids write/call their sweethearts back home in isarn or fang or wherever, but they eventually get 'recruited', if they are physically cut out for it, to be bargirls. the requirements are pretty low, intelligence wise- you just have to have the mental facilities that allow you to ignore what somebody looks like or how they act and just focus on his money, and they're not much higher in terms of looks- there are some truly *ugly* bargirls out there. the majority, however... well, they're usually quite stupid- nicknames I've heard for them (by foreigners and locals alike) translate to things like "morons", "goldfish", "toasters", etc, but they're also quite pretty. their livelihoods depend on it.

so, as you can probably imagine without any help, pretty soon these girls (and occasionally boys, if the foreigner's eyesight isn't very good) get "rescued", which involves the foreigner first giving her money for drinks, then for sex, then for dinner and a "normal" dating experience, and then more money for more sex, and finally he gives her family "sin sot" (a kind of dowry paid to the family of the bride, kind of like saying "heres to thank you and pay you back for all your expenses raising this wonderful woman"), and then she'll attempt to sit on her ass for the rest of her life and let him work, because she thinks her work is done- she's used her vagina as a lasso, basically, and caught a hard-working foreign man. the kids will be pale and beautiful, the family will no longer be poor, and if the farang gets angry, hell, who cares? she's got his money and she can retire and marry her sweetheart, who has been waiting all this time to marry her (but probably has a few skeletons in his own closet).

now, look, there are bargirls who are legitimately so poor they can do nothing else. a lot of them have rough deals. quite a few don't mess about with anybody's heads and I've even heard of bargirls who only let you pay them for company/drinks, not sex. however, the vast majority are human scum that I have lost any ability to pity. they destroy their own lives and the lives of everyone around them by an insatiable desire for money (not necessarily their own, but even if this isn't the case, they don't stop themselves and at any point say "no, this is wrong"), they use up men who care- deeply- for them and truly want to help them and then run back to men who care nothing for them and treat them as objects, and pay for families who treat them like slaves- or worse!- to have nice houses, nice cars, lots of land, and lots of luxuries. and then the greed doesn't stop- if some farang *dares* to try to say "no", he usually ends up dead, with little or no investigation. most farangs that take take this bait and live here are old retirees who have found some 18 year old to spend the rest of their days with.

so in answer to the original question: in thai culture, especially with the poorer more conservative parts of the country, the parents force their daughters into marriages based on money- many of them are forced through multiple marriages. I know it seems like a lot that I've typed, but believe me, I've barely covered the tip of the iceberg here.

so, recap: this system occasionally works just among thai people: however, even among only thai people, this tradition (sin sot) is dying off and it is only really held on to in the more rural areas of the country- which, coincidentally, is where a lot of prostitutes/bargirls come from. so yes, parental influence on a marriage has a bad influence. I'm of the particular belief that any influence from outside the two people on a marriage is a bad thing. sure there are exceptions, but those exceptions are accidents. you can't force happiness, in other words, you can only allow it to happen.
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